2024 Porsche Cayenne V6: the high-heeled Tiguan for the modern professional woman.

Last week I went out on the world’s shortest limb:

The new M4 comes across like an over-priced 240i. At best, the G82 is for 50-somethings who can’t afford a new Ferrari, or a new 911 Turbo Cab, and still want to take their young children for ice cream, because of course they had children in their 40s since they were “busy” with their “careers” in their 20s and 30s. Alas, for those of us who love driving, are still in our 30s, and started families in our 20s, we’re better off with an MLB Evo sled and side-piece GR86 for the same money.

And this week, cruising around Montreal and the Eastern Townships during our annual family pilgrimage to the region, I got to put my money where my mouth was: would I actually prefer a “bare-bones” Porsche Cayenne V6 to a “thoroughbred” BMW M4? Hmm…

Borrowing the new-ish E3 II from my good buddies at OLUX (who previously supplied the 911 Dakar for my Tremblant adventures), we set off from the brutalist Hotel Bonaventure in downtown MTL towards our family’s country house near Knowlton (Lac Brôme). Initial impressions were positive and familiar: attractive exterior design, good visibility, Taycan digital dash, balanced ergonomics, generous interior volumes for the gang and our ever-immodest luggage… and not much else to complain about?

Okay, perhaps the doors don’t slam with G-Wagon solidity, but what does these days? Mercedes 126 materiality is long gone, my friend! Besides, in real terms, your grandfather’s durably-minded Sacco-sled cost upwards of 200 oz Au., which is basically $900k CAD today, or enough to pimp out a top-tier Purosangue or Cullinan, and if that doesn’t put the sheer quality (ie. masculinity) of the 126 platform into context, I’m not sure what will (other than slamming the doors and feeling the sound, of course. And no, hearing it isn’t enough, you really have to feel it).

But why feel it? Because qualitative experiences don’t fit neatly into spreadsheet cells, much less get captured by an IG Reels, which is it say they don’t appease feminised bureaucracies *cough*carbon mandates*cough* nor appeal to feminising algorithms. Rather, material quality is that which resonates in divine octaves, ones scarcely conveyable in prosaic mediums; tick-boxes or otherwise.

Alas, where strict descriptions necessarily fail, analogy prevails! And would you believe that the vehicle I’m most reminded of from the behind the wheel of the Bratislava-built Cayenne is none other than the “humble” 2012 Volkswagen Tiguan? Financially- and historically-minded readers will be unsurprised by this framing, not least because of the shared suppliers between the two, but also because both Porsche and VW cost the same… in real terms.i Not to beat a dead horse with the insidious effects of multi-decadal currency debasements, but the german engineered made crossover from 13 years ago trades eerily close to parity with the substantially more “upmarket” Porsche utility vehicle of today; very, very nearly in terms of build quality, and near-as-makes-no-difference in terms of ride quality, chassis stability, NVH, powertrain delivery, and steering feedback. The two are really shocking well matched, separated moreso by time and social perception than sense of material solidity and driver connection.

But this is more a damnation an indifferent critiqueii of our time than the vehicles themselves, being as it is that we live in an era of such powerful (and corrosive) media infiltration to the point that car design – not to mention architecture more broadly – are denied their previously apotheostic positions in communication from the elites on downwards, meaning that materiality matters much less to “social reality” today than does marketing/branding in achieving the same transmissive impact as 50+ years ago. The net effect is, to paraphrase TLP, if you’re driving it, it’s for you!

So can it be any surprise that, for social context, my sister-in-law actually drives the “coupé” version of this new Cayenne V6? Seeing as she’s a mid-30s legal shark working crazy hours while supporting two kids, a dog, and her gentle-hearted lawyer husband, it’s most certainly for her.iii All of which is to say that in 2012 she likely would’ve been very happy in a VW Tiguan, back when those cost real money and were more respectably constructed, but here we are in the mid-2020s, and I’m rather pleased she took my advice to purchase one of these MLB Evos rather than the fritzy Porsche Panamera or flimsy Maserati Levante she also had her status-conscious Levite eyes on. At least the “bare-bones” Cayenne will hardly depreciate (in nominal terms, obv), will last longer than a Maserati not to mention Genesis/LR/etc,iv look better than a any new Beamer, have “just right” ergonomics for people who prioritize boardroom fights over barefoot fitness, and all while sporting pretty much ideal brand cachet.

It’s not screwed together quite as well as a 911 (ie. comme il faut), but it’s still a respectable 6.5/10, so call it a B-, which is near the peak of this class overall. It may not be spicy, but the Cayenne is still the default high-heel-mobile for the young professional woman. Rock ‘n’ Reel baby!

  1. Call it ~25 oz Au, so $120,000 today and $40,000 back in the day. Figures in CAD. ↩
  2. There is nothing either good nor bad, and all that. ↩
  3. As so many things are these days, travel included?

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  4. Even though Genesis products these days have the edge in initial perception of build quality, there’s zero chance they’ll be as repairable or have better aftermarket/dealer support than the Porsche in 10+ years from now. The Korean products are massively more disposable in the real world.  ↩