BitAngels: The Loudest Noise You Never Did Hear

BitAngels is “the world’s first distributed veteran entrepreneur and angel investor group focused on funding the digital currency eco-system.”i

They’re a highly visible organization, always on panel discussions at Bitcoin conferences,ii always pumping their own tires on podcasts,iii and always having their puff pieces published on CoinDesk.iv They certainly see themselves as Leaders Of The Community. And to the extent that their “community” is composed of the penniless prudes on Reddit and CoinDesk, they’re pretty much correct.

Oh, and lest we forget, which we never ever will, the BitAngels are also the fucktards behind Mastercoin and the unforgettable MaidSafeCoin. Yup, everything they touches turns to shit.

Still, BitAngels thinks they matter and have a few devotees who seem to agree.v So until such time as they either 1) submit to their rulers, or 2) find something else shiny and fun, BitAngels will continue to add new members to their team, add new divisions to their organization, and publish hilariously irrelevant press releases, such as this one that they just published after the propagandavi announcement of the US Marshals’ Bitcoin Sale:vii

Greetings to everyone –

We wanted to take your mind off today’s BTC “flash crash” and announce a few exciting changes at BitAngels, effective immediately.

1) After the public humiliation we were delivered earlier when we claimed credit for investments done long before this shitty group was created, and also for actions of unrelated people who then laughed at us when reporters called to confirm, we are happy to announce that anyone of any substance – intellectual or financial – has long left. To be perfectly fair, most weren’t even involved in the first place, we just claimed they were because our streetwalker mothers taught us nothing about personal hygiene but everything about “fake it till you make it” and “the power of attraction” – great life skills that worked so well for them, which is why we to this day don’t know a) who our fathers are ; b) what podunk motel the hookers in question died over a pool of their own vomit or c) how to treat congenital syphilis.

People left on the advisory board and as “city leaders” in various towns we picked off a complementary map given to tourists one time will continue to pretend like we’re doing things and whatnot. Spare a quarter btw ?

2) As the third co-founder, and originator of the BitAngels brand, it’s now my turn to bat, and I will be taking over as Chairman of BitAngels and moving the physical HQ from Austin to Las Vegas, where current city leader Dave Williams will become Executive Director on a one-year term. Also they have very good homeless support programs here. In any case, we’ve heard they pay people like us to leave quietly in bus tickets, and we’re very excited by a new development where we’ll be trading bus tickets for boogercoins on the new and improved mastercoin platform. But more of this later.

For those of you who don’t know Dave, which is everyone including his ex-classmates from the Highschool Equivalency Programme, he is a clueless nobody.

3) We are also pleased to announce that we will be adding Gavin Knight to the Advisory Board. He doesn’t know this yet, because we’ve not asked him, not only because we aren’t too convinced asking people before is necessary, but also because we’re not too sure he’d even talk to us. Also it’s a long distance call. Would you mind telling him and seeing what he thinks for us ? Thanks.

4) Finally, we will be increasing the number of our presentations, but grouping them in monthly online presentations to make it easier for everyone interested to join. This may take a while to perfect – and we’d like everyone’s feedback on the variables. What time of day and day of week they find most convenient, whether or not you would like to have Eventbrite invites in addition to Google Groups so it doesn’t get buried in inboxes, do you like Chaturbate or prefer a more modern platform, etc.

(Gavin should have sent out the notice of two deals we will be presenting tomorrow – if he had known about it that is – which added to the presentation of CrowdCurity earlier this week makes three for June, which is more than we’ve had since late last year – and we intend to grow on that base to our original pace of a year ago. CrudCowerty by the way is another very valuable “brand” I’ve created. I make these in my spare time. Used to make pasta statuettes of people down at my Kramerica Industries plant, but then there was some problem with the giant ball of oil and they kicked me out of the crawl space above the handicapped toilet.)

I’m humbled by the incredible community we’ve brought together in such a short time – more than 500 people strong, ranging from powerful investors to world-class technologists and entrepreneurs. In moving fast, we have often stumbled as we shift gears from third to seventh and back to third, so we’re taking a little breath to build some better systems to maintain our value and effectiveness for the entire community we serve over the long haul. The previous words in this paragraph are completely unrelated to reality, being as they are the product of a bizarre form of Tourette’s whereby I feel the irrepressible urge to say things like that. Sorry.

I welcome everyone’s input, advice, questions and suggestions for further improvements. And we thank our great sponsors and partners like Perkins Coie and Inside Bitcoins for their continuing support. Together, let’s build a world-class organization that will be at the forefront of Bitcoin and cryptocurrency! Seriously, random wanna-be news outlets that would have a dead cat in studio if the dead cat could stand the indignity of being filmed with a camera in demo mode are our partners. Such is the way of success.

Forever in stupidity,

So the BitAngels are flying higher and higher, making more and more noise. They might not disappear tomorrow but they will eventually run out of money and suckers. Just like the forumites did.ix

Maybe one day we’ll see Terpin and Johnston in #bitcoin-assets, reading logs for 6 months like a sane person, but I’m not holding my breath.

There’s too much ego in them Angels.

___ ___ ___

  1. No word on whether they’re the best or the largest…in the US.
  2. Such as the Bitcoin Expo in Toronto, where BitAngel Michael Terpin bragged about their “home-run” Mastercoin investment, neglecting to mention that they would’ve made +500% had they bought bitcoin instead of the ~-80% (just a guess) they actually saw in 2013 by “investing.”
  3. Particularly Let’s Talk Bitcoin, home of the tire pumpers, including such notables as Ethereum and Circle.
  4. Are you still reading CoinDesk for anything more than fodder for your lulzcannon?
  5. When walking through the halls at the Bitcoin Expo in Toronto, happening to be alongside one of the BitAngels, I watched as one of my fellow attendees jumped and screamed “Look! It’s David Johnston from BitAngels!” David, cool as a cucumber, replied to this enthusiasm with “Hey now, I’m just a normal guy who puts on his pants one leg at a time like everyone else.”
  6. mircea_popescu: But I do suspect someone leaked teh d. series plans, because they’ve been moving before I said that.
    bitcoinpete:  Can you explain “they’ve been moving?”

    mircea_popescu: The “we’re selling bitcoin” news manipulation went in days before the “I’m going to kill your “investment” news manipulation” announcement. Why not at any prior point for the past… year ?
    bitcoinpete: A yes. There’s room for coincidence. I mean, the number of people who knew about d.series makes for a hard, but not impossible, pill to swallow.

    mircea_popescu: Traders talk. If they didn’t, they couldn’t trade. It’s a complex beast.
    bitcoinpete: To be sure. I guess I didn’t read the USG sale as propaganda-y.

    mircea_popescu: Bitcoin is war, you know.
    via #bitcoin-assets

  7. The original is found here. Or perhaps here. There’s no GPG signature on either so it’s sort of hard to tell. Mr. Terpin, let this be a lesson. Free of charge.
  8. Presumably Terpin, but without that Gee Pee Gee, who the hell knows?
  9. Where once forum scammers could rake in coins by the hundreds, they’re now reduced to, at most, 25 BTC. Can you hear that? That’s the sound of the bottom of the barrel being scraped.

5 thoughts on “BitAngels: The Loudest Noise You Never Did Hear

  1. […] list of Bitcoin scammers is, of course, very, very long. MaidSafe, Usagi, BitAngels, Dogecoin, Litecoin… the list goes on. In fact, it’s so unbearably long that […]

  2. […] perfectly good BTC worth of Ether, Ethereum’s altcoin.ii If this is at all reminiscent of BitAngels with Mastercoin and those other fucktards with MaidSafeCoin, it should be. This is the exact same wallet inspector […]

  3. […] Serenissima, Bitcoin’s sovereign, has no choice but to unrelentingly dispose of any and all pretenders, frauds, and nihilists. We wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we were led by the noses […]

  4. […] certainly appreciate that my calling out Gavincoin’s, Lanier’s, O’Brien’s, Terpin’s, and Bortzmeyer’s malicious idiocy is, in effect, calling those fiat emperors […]

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